Note: This is a revised version of this scene, and replaces the one that I ended with in 2010.
Kelly’s decision lasted all of two days. Michelle, while not quite avoiding her, had been withdrawn and as the weekend neared Kelly began to wonder how much responsibility she herself carried for the tension between them. Michelle’s life had also changed drastically with Kaitlan’s departure and it occurred to Kelly that perhaps she wasn’t allowing Michelle to process in her own way.
After two days of second guessing her decision, it was easy to accept the beer that Michelle offered her on Friday night. It may just not be the time, Kelly reasoned, to try and figure out everything that was wrong with her life. Let things settle down before making a major life decision. The couple had a pleasant evening watching a movie and ended the night making what Kelly realized was probably the first real love in months. No one got drunk, no one yelled or pleaded. It was, simply, nice.
The two headed to Toni and Carol’s the next afternoon where Toni and Michelle were planning to work on the old Chevelle Toni was restoring in her garage. Once the two butches had vanished into their domain, Carol poured two glasses of wine and sat at the kitchen table across from Kelly.
“How are things going?”
“Better, maybe. I’m not sure,” Kelly responded, sipping her wine. “We had a huge fight a couple of days ago but it’s been ok since then.”
“So you worked it out?” Carol looked at her curiously.
“Not really. I just decided that maybe I wasn’t giving Michelle enough credit for missing Kaitlan. I mean, her world has changed dramatically too.”
Carol made a noise. “You fought about Kaitlan?”
“No, no. We fought about Susan, which led to other things. But looking back I think maybe Michelle is feeling a little lost now that she’s not expected to be ‘daddy’ anymore.” Kelly sighed. “She sure doesn’t like the idea of my working more.”
“God, what did Susan do this time?”
“Nothing, really. I gave her a ride. Michelle wasn’t happy. She said some awful things, things I can’t imagine she really meant.” Kelly looked away. “At least, I hope she didn’t mean them.”
“Like what?” Carol refilled their glasses. “If I can ask.”
Kelly shifted uncomfortably, aware that she had once more given up on a decision to stop drinking and the thought that it might prove Michelle correct. “She said I could easily be just like her.”
“Ouch. I’m sure she didn’t mean that.”
“The thing is it kind of scares me. That I could be. If I didn’t have Michelle to take care of me.” Kelly bit her lip. “It was really unnerving. It still is.”
Carol was silent for a moment. Finally, she looked at Kelly with sympathy. “You’re really that concerned about your drinking?” When Kelly nodded, she continued. “What keeps you doing it then?”
“I don’t know. Forever seems like such a long time, and when I stop it seems like nothing gets better.”
“Well, I heard once that if you can stop drinking for thirty days you aren’t an alcoholic. That isn’t forever, maybe you should try it? Although I honestly don’t think you are.” Carol looked at the wine bottle on the table. “I’d be willing to do it with you.”
“Thanks, but I really need to sort this out on my own. Although it’s a good idea. I haven’t really tried to stop for a specific period of time. Michelle might be able to understand something like that.” Kelly finished her glass and smiled. “Although I don’t think I’ll start until Monday.”
Carol laughed. “Alright then, I’ll get another bottle out of the fridge.”
As she watched her friend opening the wine, Kelly wondered if she could keep from drinking for an entire month. It was much less daunting an idea than stopping forever, and success would mean that she needed to look elsewhere for a solution to the problems plaguing her relationship. She would do it. Starting Monday. Until then, there was no point to waste good wine.
She’d had enough wine by the time she and Michelle got ready for bed that night that it didn’t occur to her how contradictory she sounded as she asked, “Michelle … what would you think if I quit drinking for a month?”
Michelle pulled her t-shirt over head and looked at Kelly quizzically. “Why would you do that?”
“A test. To see if my drinking is a problem. I don't want to be like Susan.” Kelly turned down her side of the bed and sank onto the mattress.
“If you want to. But you aren't like Susan. You have me.” Michelle stretched and climbed under the covers. “I wouldn't let anything happen to you.”
What's that supposed to mean? Kelly didn't verbalize the thought, not wanting to get into another argument. “I need to know.”
“Fine. You don't want me to quit too, do you?”
“No, of course not.” Kelly felt a prick of irritation that Michelle seemed to be making the whole idea about her. “I just … I need to know.”
“Whatever.” Michelle closed her eyes and turned on her side. “I think it's kind of silly, but you do what you need to.”
After turning out the light, Kelly lay on her back and stared through the darkness at the ceiling. It felt strange, wanting to do something so badly that Michelle didn't agree with. As she pondered this, she realized that in the past she had always deferred to her partner when it came to doing things. This would be the first time she had gone ahead with something after Michelle had said she saw no point.
She fell asleep wondering when she had become so dependent on what Michelle thought.
