“I am a powerful woman, capable of great things.”
Kelly Winchester spoke the words with more firmness than she felt as she stared bleary-eyed into the mirror. The sticky-note from which she read was one of several littering the glass surface in front of her, and she glanced at each before reaching for the toothpaste. At least the taste in her mouth was just from sleep, not the mingling of old wine and vomit that had so often been present in the mornings. Day four of not waking up with a hangover.
Behind her, through the door leading to the bedroom, she heard Michelle shift and groan. Her partner would be waking soon, most likely to a splitting headache that she would deny. Kelly thought for a moment how hard it was to stay sober when the woman closest to her seemed to delight in taunting her with her inability to “hold her liquor”, as Michelle loved to tease. She lifted her eyes back to the mirror; Michelle didn’t force the alcohol down her throat. Kelly did that all on her own.
The smell of coffee brewing drifted into the bathroom. With a smile, Kelly brushed her teeth and ran her fingers through her short, dirty blonde hair. Coffee meant Kaitlan was back from her morning run. Even on one of the biggest days in an eighteen year-old’s life, Kaitlan had obviously not slept in. Kelly sighed as thoughts of lost years slipped into her mind and went to see whether her daughter wanted breakfast.
Kaitlan wasn’t biologically Kelly’s child; that distinction went to her sister, Susan. But Kaitlan had lived with Kelly and Michelle for fifteen years, and Kelly felt as though Kaitlan was her own. Susan certainly didn’t treat her like a daughter. She was too busy with this man or that, whoever could keep her in drugs and comfort, to bother with the minor details of having given birth. She liked to pretend an interest in Kaitlan’s life, but only as long as it didn’t interfere with her own. Kelly had offered to let Susan ride with them to the college, but Susan’s response had been a muddled ‘nosorrybusy’.
Kelly paused in the doorway of the kitchen when she saw Kaitlan leaning against the counter, looking out the window over the sink. The early morning light streamed in that window, dancing in Kaitlan’s blonde hair, and once again Kelly wondered how so fragile looking a creature – and at barely 110 pounds Kaitlan did look fragile – could be so tough inside. The thought that she had been through so much in her life was unsettling, and Kelly pushed it away.
“Good morning, Sunshine!”
Kaitlan turned and grinned, her blue eyes dancing. “Morning, Aunt Kelly! Coffee’s ready.”
“Are you excited?” Kelly crossed to the cupboard and pulled down two mugs. “Do you want breakfast?”
Kaitlan accepted a cup of coffee. “Excited, yes. Food, not so much. Just some toast, maybe.”
“You need to eat more than that, young lady. Eggs? Bacon?”
“Fine.” Kaitlan laughed. “What are you going to do without me to worry about?”
Kelly turned toward the refrigerator so Kaitlan couldn’t see her face. The thought of being alone in the house with Michelle after all these years wasn’t quite the joy she would have imagined not too long ago. Michelle’s intensity, which had drawn Kelly in at first, had grown old in the past months as Kelly tried to get a handle on her drinking while Michelle continued her own path unabated.
It seemed Kaitlan was waiting for a response, so Kelly forced a laugh. “I’ll just shrivel up and die.”
“Yeah, right. You’ll probably be running through the house naked, screaming ‘woo-hoo’, as soon as you get home.”
“God, is there coffee?” Michelle’s appearance saved Kelly from having to respond to Kaitlan’s comment. “Gimme.”
Kelly handed over her own mug and went to get another as Michelle half-collapsed in a chair at the table. “How did you sleep, Honey?”
“Fine. You?”
“Fine.” Like you would have been able to tell if I didn’t, Kelly thought uncharitably, knowing that Michelle didn’t sleep on the weekends so much as make it to bed before passing out. During the week, she managed to control her drinking, but when there was no work the next day all bets were off.
Kelly knew, also, that she personally had no such guidelines. She drank every night, a lot, though for some reason no one ever seemed to know that she was drunk. Even Kaitlan, who was very perceptive, had expressed surprise that Kelly thought herself a problem drinker when Kelly sat down to talk with her six months earlier. She had been supportive, something Michelle was not, but Kelly could tell she didn’t quite understand why her Aunt felt the need to give up her nightly glass of wine.
Except it wasn’t one glass of wine. It was wine with lunch, followed by a nap, then wine with dinner and, after Kaitlan was in bed, more wine or bourbon straight. Bourbon was Michelle’s drink of choice, and she drank enough of it that Kelly’s assistance in emptying the bottle wasn’t much noticed.
Kelly shook herself out of her reverie and went to start breakfast. Michelle had opened the newspaper and was ignoring the other two women in the room, and Kaitlan snagged the comics and joined her. Breakfast, when served, caused the papers to be put down, but didn’t do much to increase conversation. Kelly wasn’t surprised; there had been a palpable tension between herself and Michelle for months, worsened of late by Kelly’s attempts at sobriety and Michelle’s apparent pleasure in knocking her down.
Finally, Kaitlan pushed her chair back and excused herself to shower and dress, leaving Kelly and Michelle alone. Kelly waited for a few minutes to see if Michelle would speak, which she didn’t, and then got up herself. She was putting dishes in the dishwasher when she heard Michelle push her own chair away from the table.
“Are you going to drive?” Michelle’s voice was tired. “I have a headache.”
“I can.”
“Good.” With that, she was gone, and Kelly dropped her head to stare at the counter, wondering how nearly twenty years of a good relationship could have come to such a silent, bitter impasse.
It was an impasse that wouldn’t be broken in the next eight hours, Kelly reminded herself, and went about cleaning the kitchen before going to get dressed herself. This was to be Kaitlan’s day, and Kelly was determined not to let anything ruin that.
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