Kelly and Michelle's twentieth anniversary approached, and Kelly found herself wondering, not how she could remain sober, rather, why she had thought it would be so hard to do so. She had done some minimal research on alcohol addiction and felt some degree of confusion that she had not experienced any of the effects of withdrawal. There had been no shaking, no sweats, no cravings. It was as though she had simply decided to stop drinking milk.
After a week, the longest she had gone without drinking in her adult life, she had begun to think that she couldn't actually be an alcoholic; it was proving too easy to give it up. As that week stretched toward the weekend, and their anniversary, she had decided that she wasn't. She had been drinking out of habit, not some addiction. It was relieving to consider. The idea of having a disease had been the most unsettling part of the entire process, and to be able to dispense with it was quite the relief.
They had invited Toni and Carol for dinner on Friday for an early celebration of the anniversary the following day, and as Kelly prepared the meal she found an unexpected joy in the simple act of making food to share with others. It was an emotion she couldn't recall experiencing very often in the past.
Michelle gave her a strange look as she refilled her wine glass from the bottle on the counter. Kelly had glanced at it, sitting so near to where she was stuffing cabbage leaves, but hadn't been tempted to partake. When Michelle emptied it, she merely took the bottle and put it in the recycling bin, then returned to her work.
“I guess champagne is out tomorrow?” Michelle leaned against the counter and watched her cook.
“Yes, Michelle. Unless you want some. I'll have Perrier or something.” A pinprick of desire raised in the back of her mind as she thought about the sensation of champagne on her tongue, the fizzy, tart-fruit taste that she so loved. She growled and put the pan of cabbage rolls into the oven.
“Ok.” Michelle wandered off.
Toni and Carol arrived promptly at six, and Toni presented a bottle of expensive red wine to Kelly with a grin and a flourish.
“Here's a little something to kick off the weekend,” she said, smiling.
Kelly took the bottle feeling a little helpless. “Thank you,” she replied weakly.
“Kelly quit drinking,” Michelle commented, taking the bottle from her hands.
Toni and Carol looked at Michelle, then at Kelly, then at each other. There was a silence. Finally, Toni laughed.
“Really? What prompted that, Kelly?”
Blushing, Kelly responded, “It seemed like the right thing to do.”
“Well, good for you,” Carol said, touching her arm. “Can I help with anything in the kitchen?”
“No, really, everything's done.”
The awkward moment past, the foursome moved to the living room and began to chat. Kelly participated as best she could, growing ever more aware of how much everyone seemed to be enjoying their drinks, while her tea was tasting more flat and boring by the moment.
Wine with dinner wouldn't be so bad. It's not liking drinking just to drink.
Kelly pushed the thought away and focused on a joke Toni was telling. Her laughter was a bit forced, however, and she excused herself to check on dinner. In the kitchen, she leaned against the counter and stared at the oven, a sense of turmoil descending over her.
I'm not an alcoholic. Maybe I just needed a break.
“Kelly? Are you ok?” Carol's voice broke into her thoughts.
“Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.”
“Are you sure there's nothing I can help with? The butches are in there talking cars.”
Kelly smiled, knowing how Toni and Michelle could get when they started discussing their automotive dreams. “Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”
“You've really quit drinking?” Carol looked at her with clear curiosity.
“Well … I've taken a break at least.” Kelly bit her lip. A break was not what she had started out intending.
Carol laughed. “I can't imagine you'd need to quit for good. If you've got a problem then the rest of us are in real trouble.”
“I don't think I have a problem.” Kelly wished she could just stop talking, but the words seemed to be coming independently of her will. “Maybe I just needed to reprioritize.”
“I can understand that. I take time now and then to do the same thing.”
“I might have been drinking a little too much, but I can get it back under control.” Kelly almost choked on the statement, but something deep within her core was agreeing readily. “It was probably just the stress of Kaitlan leaving, all that.”
Carol studied her for a moment. “As long as you do what's right for you.”
“Yeah.” Kelly managed to smile. “I might have a glass of wine with dinner. It is a celebration, after all.”
“That's the spirit,” Carol replied. “What's a celebration without wine?”
It was a question Kelly echoed to herself as she moved to replace her water glass with a wine goblet at the table, wondering why the answer seemed so hollow.
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