“I release myself from victim roles.”
Kelly glanced at the quote on her phone once more before putting it away. Why she had downloaded the affirmation app was beyond her; she hadn’t even been trying to stay sober for the previous month. But there it was, staring her in the face every time she checked her messages. The message for the day confused her. She wasn’t a victim, how could she release herself from a victim role?
Carol was late, but that didn’t surprise Kelly one iota; for Carol to be on time might have meant the end of the world as everyone knew it. She sipped her wine and studied the menu, waving off the waiter who hovered nearby when he looked like he might ask for the third time if she still wanted to wait. He had already brought two glasses of white zinfandel, and as she checked her watch she had a passing thought that she wasn’t usually on her third glass by eleven-thirty in the morning.
Or at least, not until lately. It seemed the harder she tried to get close to Michelle again, the more she wanted to drink. Sober, Michelle was hard to take, more so now that there was no one else for Kelly to focus on. She knew she should be excited to finally be an adult again, to be able to lounge around the house naked or suggest take-out instead of cooking, but it seemed hollow somehow. She missed having Kaitlan around to worry about, to tend to, to nurture. Michelle wanted those things, but on her own terms, and it was draining Kelly’s energy more than she thought it would.
“Sorry I’m late.” Carol plopped down in the chair across the table and held up a shopping bag. “There’s a sale at that gourmet store down the way.”
“I should check it out,” Kelly replied, smiling. Carol’s presence always made her feel better somehow. Carol was a short, somewhat rotund woman of nearly fifty, her graying black hair usually escaping from the ponytail she kept it in more than staying put. She looked like the artist she was.
“So, what’s news?”
“Nothing new in our house.” Kelly looked for the waiter who, of course, was nowhere to be seen. “Michelle has some business trip next week to the Atlanta office. It’ll be nice to be alone for a while.”
Carol looked up at her from her menu. “Are you ok? Things have seemed a little tense between you two lately.”
“They’re fine,” Kelly lied, blushing slightly. Carol raised an eyebrow and went back to the menu. “It’s just taking some adjustment, this empty nest thing.”
“Hmm … I saw on the board they have a rock shrimp salad. I wonder if the shrimp was frozen.” Carol tilted her head and studied her again. “It seems like more than that, honestly, hon.”
Carol was amazingly perceptive, and dogged in pursuit of the truth at times. Kelly realized she’d be better off confessing early and getting it out of the way. “Things are a little rocky,” she admitted.
“Can’t say I’m surprised. You two haven’t had much time alone over the years. It’s kind of like starting over, in a way.”
Kelly was saved from having to answer immediately by the waiter, who took their orders, noted that Kelly’s glass was nearly empty, and went off again to get a refill. Kelly took the time that Carol spent quizzing him about the quality of the ingredients to consider what she’d said. It was like starting over, only this time Michelle’s dominating personality wasn’t as appealing as it had been twenty years earlier. The thought discomfited her and she put it away.
“She’s adjusting to it just being us more quickly than I am, I guess,” she said instead. “She’s acting like we haven’t had sex in fifteen years, that’s for sure.” Damn it. She hadn’t meant to bring that up. Maybe Carol won’t notice.
“That’s a problem for you?” Carol’s gaze was piercing.
“Uh ….”
“Have you hit menopause yet?”
“Well, I’m still dealing with a week of Hell every month so, no, I don’t think so. It’s just … I don’t know. It’s not like she’s not still attractive ….” Kelly drained the last of her wine to cover her embarrassment.
“But you’re just not into it,” Carol finished. “I can see where that might cause some problems. I’m sure it’s temporary.”
Kelly blew out her breath. She wanted – needed – to talk to someone, and Carol was as close to a best friend as she had. “I’m not sure it is. She’s driving me crazy. Since before Kaitlan went to school. Now, it’s just … worse.”
Carol chewed on her lip for a moment, and the waiter returned with a fresh glass of wine, which Kelly gratefully accepted. She was beginning to feel a bit tipsy, but all it did was fuel her desire to talk about what had been bothering her for so long.
“You know, Kelly, I’ve always thought … don’t take this the wrong way, but … Michelle has always seemed kind of the controlling one in your relationship. I don’t mean controlling, controlling, just … you always seem to be trying to make her happy.”
Kelly’s blush was deep this time. “I suppose you’re right.”
“When do you take care of you? Are you happy?” Carol sipped her tea and gave Kelly a sympathetic look. “Seriously, are you?”
“I – ah – no, not often.” It was a difficult admission, although made easier by the fuzzy warmth spreading through her body. “I always saw myself as the one who made other people happy.”
“And you don’t deserve to be happy? That’s silly.”
“Of course I do! I just, I’m happy when everyone around me is taken care of, that’s all.” Kelly looked away. “At least, that’s how it’s always been.”
Carol shook her head. “Kelly, you should know better. Does Michelle know you aren’t happy?”
“I doubt it. She’s more interested in whether I’m horny. Half the time I give in just to shut her up.”
“Jesus. Look, I’m no expert, but I laid down clear boundaries with Toni a long time ago. I need time for me as much as she wants me to spend time with her. I won’t lie and say it hasn’t caused friction now and then but she respects my space.” Carol sighed. “You don’t sound like you have any space.”
“It’s not that easy. You know how Michelle gets; it’s easier to just go along.” In the back of her mind, Kelly realized she sounded like she was justifying; she was.
“That’s no way to live. You aren’t happy now; what’s the harm in saying no once in a while?”
Kelly considered her words. It was difficult to imagine the situation getting much worse. At the same time, the thought of putting her foot down with Michelle was almost scary. Michelle had never been violent, but she could yell as though she were going to pick up a hatchet at any moment.
“Maybe. I’ll think about it.”
Carol snorted. “I hope you’ll do more than think about it. Stand up for yourself, woman!”
“Yes. Ok.” Kelly drew in a deep breath. “I can do that.”
“Good.”
To Kelly’s relief, the conversation quickly turned to safer waters, and by the time the two women parted company, she had almost forgotten Carol’s admonishments. The fifth and six glasses of wine had helped that along, and as Kelly drove home she wondered if she were crazy for having even brought anything up in the first place. She had plenty of space. She did.
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